


let not light see my black and deep desires

by flashandsubstance



Category: SHAKESPEARE William - Works, Twelfth Night - Shakespeare
Genre: (aka the author got too excited about language), (look i was going for historical accuracy), (or at least an attempt was made), 16th Century Gay Slurs, 16th Century Language Nerdery, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Canon Era, F/M, Historical Accuracy, Internalized Homophobia, Linguistics, M/M, Miscommunication, No beta we die like mne, Out of Character, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pirates, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-18 06:45:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18115424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flashandsubstance/pseuds/flashandsubstance
Summary: "Love make his heart of flint that you shall love;And let your fervor, like my master's, bePlaced in contempt! Farewell, fair cruelty." Viola (1.5.286-288)Antonio will not let Sebastian die, and if that means forsaking his love, then so be it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thaneofkneazles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thaneofkneazles/gifts).



> SO!  
> i wrote this fic in about five days? i had a lot of creative juice for some reason. (this is likely due to my being cast as antonio and the doomed shakespeare lovers playlist i put together for myself. whoops.)  
> there's been a lot going on in my life lately, but this fic has been so much fun for me to write. very rarely to i acknowledge my nerd bs on this level. someone should shove me in a locker before i go mad with power.  
> i hope you enjoy this self indulgent, ooc nonsense!!!
> 
> ACTUALLY GO LISTEN TO 'IS THIS NOT LOVE?' FROM THE TWELFTH NIGHT MUSICAL BECAUSE IT"S THEMATICALLY APPROPRIATE

The walk to the port was long, and the events of the past three days had left Antonio weary, and rightly so. He missed his ship, and his home on the waves. This was not unusual for Antonio. What was truly unusual was that all-encompassing feeling of having lost something, like when he knew he misplaced something, but couldn’t remember what, the object slipping his brain whenever he tried to call on it.

The feeling sunk low in his gut, a churning, like a tempest had whipped itself up inside him. Truly, what did he had to complain of? He was pardoned, and freed from prison, and yet, he wanted to stay.

Antonio was free, so why did he feel so?

His aimless roam towards the docks gave Antonio ample time to think this over, and think he did. There was nothing for him in Illyria, nothing material, and no one but-

Sebastian.

God, how had he forgotten the man? Sebastian whom Antonio had followed into danger, risking life and limb for he whom Antonio did love with a heart so passionate it felt almost as if it would burst.

But what belongs to the sea must return to the sea. And while Antonio had the ocean in his blood, Sebastian was not of the sea. He belonged on dry land, with Olivia. Where he would be content.

Antonio knew that he would have to let Sebastian go, cut ties altogether were he to leave. Sebastian would try to follow him, this he knew. He owed Antonio a life-debt, for Antonio had dragged him out of the briny depths, and nursed him back to health.

But Antonio would not let Sebastian come. He could not. Antonio was never one to stay on the right side of the law, a pirate by birth, though of noble blood. His mother had been queen of Naples, Milanese by birth, where by heredity she was duchess. However, she had been raised on the water, exiled from Milan, and once married, there she longed to return. After Antonio was born, she fled Naples, spiriting him away, becoming captain of a pirate ship, feared throughout the mediterranean. She raised Antonio on the water, and he grew up on ships and foreign ports, some as close as Bari and Genoa, and others as far away as England and Denmark. He would never be satisfied on terra firma.

He and Sebastian- they were different, so different. Antonio was of the sea, Sebastian, the earth. Antonio was noble only in blood, Sebastian by blood, marriage, title, and nature. A true lord, if such a thing could be. And he was in love with Olivia. Antonio loved Sebastian, this was true, but that love- it could not be. He would be hung, were it discovered, and Sebastian too. Sebastian was a nobleman, a husband, a good man. Antonio was a pirate, a sodomite, a criminal. He could not drag Sebastian down with him.

He loved Sebastian too much for that.

Suddenly, a voice broke him out of his reverie, bringing his attention to the present. Before him stood Sebastian, the subject of his previous distracted thoughts.

“Where art thou going, Antonio?” He said, voice low as he stared up at the pirate, a quietly curious expression on his face.

“The port, sir. My ship is yet moored there, but as thou knowest, it will not say for long,” said Antonio, who shifted, hitching his bag higher on his shoulder, tense.

“Thou art leaving?” Sebastian’s voice was soft, with the slightest hint of a whine. Antonio couldn’t meet his eyes.

“Aye,” he said, taking a step forward, but Sebastian blocked his path.

“Thou art welcome to stay, if thou dost require lodging. I have recently come upon a tidy sum- by marriage, as thou knowest,” he said, voice full of mirth. Antonio felt himself go cold.

“I cannot,” he said curtly, and strode purposefully past Sebastian. Did the man have to make his leaving any more painful than it already was?

As he past, Sebastian grabbed his arm, stopping Antonio in his escape with a whirl. “Why must thou leave? There is room for thee in Olivia’s house, and she would not mind if thou didst stay,” Pled Sebastian, staring up at Antonio’s startled face. After a beat, Antonio tore his arm away, clutching it to his chest as if burned.

“You forget, my lord. I am a pirate, a criminal. The comforts of the sea doth suit me better, and I hath no place with you and your bride. I wouldst be but a burden to you.” Antonio knew it was petty, to switch to the formal, but he and Sebastian were not of equal station, no longer were they Antonio and Roderigo, a pirate captain and his beloved shipwrecked youth. Antonio may still be a pirate captain, but Roderigo was not Roderigo. He was Sebastian di Messaline, count and consort to Contessa Olivia, brother-in-law to Duke Orsino of Illyria, Antonio’s enemy. Sebastian, a married man. There could be nothing between the two of them, not like there was before, when they kept company at all hours, casually intimate and full of careless cheer.

Yet still, the hurt on Sebastian’s face made Antonio’s stomach roil with self-hatred and grief.

“Doth thou think so low of thyself? Thou art a good man, and my brother hath pardoned thee,” snapped Sebastian. “I would that thou wouldst choose to stay.”

“I cannot, my lord.” Antonio turned his head, unwilling to let Sebastian see the tears well in his eyes. It pained him to hurt Sebastian so, to crush the boy. But he could not let the new count ruin his own reputation by association with a sodomite. Antonio’s sinful nature would just drag Sebastian down with him, and he wouldst not allow that. Though his love was perverse, he could not help but feel it, could not help but try and protect the boy from him.

“Thou art my friend Antonio, though thou dost protest” Sebastian grabbed Antonio’s hand once more, pulling him in close.

“ _Friends?_ ” Snapped Antonio, all semblance of icy composure lost to a tidal wave of boiling rage. “I kept thee company for three months, we laid together, ate together, often I did kiss thy lips, and speak of my love for thee! Art thou truly unaware of how I did cherish thy presence?” Sebastian’s brow furrowed and then, as if struck, shock covered his face in an instant.

“Didst thou love me? Truly?” His voice was small, meek at the realization.

“I loved you, once. I was foolish, and I love you no more,” hissed Antonio, clenching his fists, which trembled at his side. A lie, but a convincing one, conviction faked through his anger. Was he such a fool that he opened his heart to one who would not, _could_ not love him back? The heart was a fickle thing, and Antonio’s longed for that which was unattainable.

Sebastian flinched at the force behind Antonio’s angry phrases.

“But-“ Antonio cut him off.

“If you do fall in love again, my lord, let the heart of that same love be hard as stone, and cold as the icy depths. Then you shall know my pain, _sir_.” Antonio spat, turning on his heel. He could not look at Sebastian, could not let him see his agony at his false and fell words which he set upon Sebastian like hounds to a hart. But the pain he felt was necessary were he to protect Sebastian from the law of Illyria, who, if Antonio continued in such a nature, driven by love and longing, wouldst be dragged down with the man.

Sebastian would not fall. Not like Antonio, not _with_ Antonio. Antonio was damned already, Sebastian was perfect- angelic even. His eyes, dark, almost black- they glittered like jewels, rich and precious. The way he smiled when he joked with Antonio, like he’s never been happier, never heard anything funnier. His hair, dark, almost black but not entirely, thick, and soft as it fell over his shoulders in thick, abundant curls that Antonio would run his fingers through when he and Roderigo settled down after a hard day’s work on the ship. A hand on his shoulder stopped this train of thought.

“I know that thou art not so cruel, Antonio, that thou wouldst wish such a fate upon me,” said Sebastian. Antonio could not see his face. All the better.

“Do you truly know me, my lord? I am Antonio di Napoli, ruthless pirate captain, scourge of the seas, and I am not your beloved, and I never will be. You are no longer Roderigo, a pirate. You are Sebastian, a lord. Lady Olivia holds your heart, not me.” The words slipped from his lips like poison, each one made to sting the already burned Sebastian.

“Your cruelty is unnecessary,” murmured Sebastian, hurt evident in the way that he spoke, stilted and pained.

“That is where you are wrong, my lord,” Antonio sighed, “I do not wish to see thee hang in my lifetime.”

“What dost thou mean? Orsino is a friend, and he rules here. I would not allow him to hang thee.” Antonio scoffed, and turned to face him once more, emotion sliding onto his face unbidden.

“The influence of your brother-in-law stretches only so far. The people of Illyria hate me yet for my piracy, but were I convicted a sodomite? Not even a pardon from your esteemed duke wouldst save my neck from my numerous crimes. If thou hadst stayed with me, as Roderigo, been a pirate, we could have been happy, I could have allowed myself to love thee, and be loved in return were thou so willing.” He watched as a confusing mix of emotions spread across Sebastian’s face- joy, sadness, surprise- all settling into a stunned look that told Antonio all he needed to know.

Sebastian opened his mouth to speak, but Antonio spoke first, quiet, firm, and commanding.

“You are not a pirate, and you will never be. You are a nobleman, built for the land. You cannot come with me,” his voice softened. “I will not let thee damn thyself so.”

“Is this goodbye then, sir?”

“It is. Goodbye, my lord, and may the wind be always at thy back,” murmured Antonio voice softer than it had been just moments before, full of gentle adoration. Sebastian lifted a hand to Antonio’s cheek, then leaned up, placing a gentle kiss on the other man’s lips. Antonio savored it for a moment, and then the two parted, Sebastian still gently touching Antonio’s face.

“I am sorry,” said Antonio quietly, trying to put all that he could not say aloud into those three words. “And I love you.”

“I know,” said Sebastian, a sad, bittersweet smile on his face. Antonio felt tears pricking his eyes. He stepped back from Sebastian, and stooped to grab his satchel.

Antonio once more began to walk, unsure if he was unable or just unwilling to look back.


	2. no nerdery remix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is all you, so that you can ignore tedious shakespearian language if thou doth choose to do so!

The walk to the port was long, and the events of the past three days had left Antonio weary, and rightly so. He missed his ship, and his home on the waves. This was not unusual for Antonio. What was truly unusual was that all-encompassing feeling of having lost something, like when he knew he misplaced something, but couldn’t remember what, the object slipping his brain whenever he tried to call on it.

The feeling sunk low in his gut, a churning, like a tempest had whipped itself up inside him. Truly, what did he had to complain of? He was pardoned, and freed from prison, and yet, he wanted to stay.

Antonio was free, so why did he feel so?

His aimless roam towards the docks gave Antonio ample time to think this over, and think he did. There was nothing for him in Illyria, nothing material, and no one but-

Sebastian.

God, how had he forgotten the man? Sebastian whom Antonio had followed into danger, risking life and limb for he whom Antonio did love with a heart so passionate it felt almost as if it would burst. 

But what belongs to the sea must return to the sea. And while Antonio had the ocean in his blood, Sebastian was not of the sea. He belonged on dry land, with Olivia. Where he would be content. 

Antonio knew that he would have to let Sebastian go, cut ties altogether were he to leave. Sebastian would try to follow him, this he knew. He owed Antonio a life-debt, for Antonio had dragged him out of the briny depths, and nursed him back to health. 

But Antonio would not let Sebastian come. He could not. Antonio was never one to stay on the right side of the law, a pirate by birth, thought of noble blood. His mother had been queen of Naples, though Milanese by birth, where by heredity she was duchess. However, she had been raised on the water, exiled from Milan, and once married, there she longed to return. After Antonio was born, she fled Naples, spiriting him away, becoming captain of a pirate ship, feared throughout the mediterranean. She raised Antonio on the water, and he grew up on ships and foreign ports, some as close as Bari and Genoa, and others as far away as England and Denmark. He would never be satisfied on terra firma.

He and Sebastian- they were different, so different. Antonio was of the sea, Sebastian, the earth. Antonio was noble only in blood, Sebastian by blood, marriage, title, and nature. A true lord, if such a thing could be. And he was in love with Olivia. Antonio loved Sebastian, this was true, but that love- it could not be. He would be hung, were it discovered, and Sebastian too. Sebastian was a nobleman, a husband, a good man. Antonio was a pirate, a sodomite, a criminal. He could not drag Sebastian down with him. 

He loved Sebastian too much for that.

Suddenly, a voice broke him out of his reverie, bringing his attention to the present. Before him stood Sebastian, the subject of his previous distracted thoughts.

“Where art thou going, Antonio?” He said, voice low as he stared up at the pirate, a quietly curious expression on his face.

“The port, sir. My ship is yet moored there, but as you know, it will not stay for long,” said Antonio, who shifted, hitching his bag higher on his shoulder, tense.

“You’re leaving?” Sebastian’s voice was soft, with the slightest hint of a whine. Antonio couldn’t meet his eyes.

“Aye,” he said, taking a step forward, but Sebastian blocked his path. 

“You’re welcome to stay, if you require lodging. I have recently come upon a tidy sum- by marriage, as you know,” he said, voice full of mirth. Antonio felt himself go cold.

“I cannot,” he said curtly, and strode purposefully past Sebastian. Did the man have to make his leaving any more painful than it already was?

As he past, Sebastian grabbed his arm, stopping Antonio in his escape with a whirl. “Why must you leave? There is room for you in Olivia’s house, and she would not mind if you did stay,” Pled Sebastian, staring up at Antonio’s startled face. After a beat, Antonio tore his arm away, clutching it to his chest as if burned.

“You forget, my lord. I am a pirate, a criminal. The comforts of the sea doth suit me better, and I hath no place with you and your bride. I wouldst be but a burden to you.” Antonio knew it was petty, to switch to the formal, but he and Sebastian were not of equal station, no longer were they Antonio and Roderigo, a pirate captain and his beloved shipwrecked youth. Antonio may still be a pirate captain, but Roderigo was not Roderigo. He was Sebastian di Messaline, count and consort to Contessa Olivia, brother-in-law to Duke Orsino of Illyria, Antonio’s enemy. Sebastian, a married man. There could be nothing between the two of them, not like there was before, when they kept company at all hours, casually intimate and full of careless cheer. 

Yet still, the hurt on Sebastian’s face made Antonio’s stomach roil with self-hatred and grief. 

“Do you think so low of yourself? You are a good man, and my brother hath pardoned you,” snapped Sebastian. “I would that you would choose to stay.”

“I cannot, my lord.” Antonio turned his head, unwilling to let Sebastian see the tears well in his eyes. It pained him to hurt Sebastian so, to crush the boy. But he could not let the new count ruin his own reputation by association with a sodomite. Antonio’s sinful nature would just drag Sebastian down with him, and he wouldst not allow that. Though his love was perverse, he could not help but feel it, could not help but try and protect the boy from him. 

“You’re my friend Antonio, though you do protest!” Sebastian grabbed Antonio’s hand once more, pulling him in close.

“ _ Friends? _ ” Snapped Antonio, all semblance of icy composure lost to a tidal wave of boiling rage. “I kept you company for three months, we laid together, ate together, often I did kiss your lips, and speak of my love for you! Are you truly unaware of how I did cherish your presence?” Sebastian’s brow furrowed and then, as if struck, shock covered his face in an instant.

“Did you love me? Truly?” His voice was small, meek at the realization.

“I loved you, once. I was foolish, and I love you no more,” hissed Antonio, clenching his fists, which trembled at his side. A lie, but a convincing one, conviction faked through his anger. Was he such a fool that he opened his heart to one who would not,  _ could _ not love him back? The heart was a fickle thing, and Antonio’s longed for that which was unattainable. 

Sebastian flinched at the force behind Antonio’s angry phrases. 

“But-“ Antonio cut him off.

“If you do fall in love again, my lord, let the heart of that same love be hard as stone, and cold as the icy depths. Then you shall know my pain,  _ sir _ .” Antonio spat, turning on his heel. He could not look at Sebastian, could not let him see his agony at his false and fell words which he set upon Sebastian like hounds to a hart. But the pain he felt was necessary were he to protect Sebastian from the law of Illyria, who, if Antonio continued in such a nature, driven by love and longing, wouldst be dragged down with the man.

Sebastian would not fall. Not like Antonio, not  _ with _ Antonio. Antonio was damned already, Sebastian was perfect- angelic even. His eyes, dark, almost black- they glittered like jewels, rich and precious. The way he smiled when he joked with Antonio, like he’s never been happier, never heard anything funnier. His hair, dark, almost black but not entirely, thick, and soft as it fell over his shoulders in thick, abundant curls that Antonio would run his fingers through when he and Roderigo settled down after a hard day’s work on the ship. A hand on his shoulder stopped this train of thought.

“I know that you are not so cruel, Antonio, that you would wish such a fate upon me,” said Sebastian. Antonio could not see his face. All the better.

“Do you truly know me, my lord? I am Antonio di Napoli, ruthless pirate captain, scourge of the seas, and I am not your beloved, and I never will be. You are no longer Roderigo, a pirate. You are Sebastian, a lord. Lady Olivia holds your heart, not me.” The words slipped from his lips like poison, each one made to sting the already burned Sebastian.

“Your cruelty is unnecessary,” murmured Sebastian, hurt evident in the way that he spoke, stilted and pained.

“That is where you are wrong, my lord,” Antonio sighed, “I do not wish to see thee hang in my lifetime.”

“What do you mean? Orsino is a friend, and he rules here. I would not allow him to hang you.” Antonio scoffed, and turned to face him once more, emotion sliding onto his face unbidden.

“The influence of your brother-in-law stretches only so far. The people of Illyria hate me yet for my piracy, but were I convicted a sodomite? Not even a pardon from your esteemed duke wouldst save my neck from my numerous crimes. If you'd have stayed with me, as Roderigo, been a pirate, we could have been happy, I could have allowed myself to love thee, and be loved in return were you so willing.” He watched as a confusing mix of emotions spread across Sebastian’s face- joy, sadness, surprise- all settling into a stunned look that told Antonio all he needed to know.

Sebastian opened his mouth to speak, but Antonio spoke first, quiet, firm, and commanding.

“You are not a pirate, and you will never be. You are a nobleman, built for the land. You cannot come with me,” his voice softened. “I will not let you damn yourself so.”

“Is this goodbye then, sir?” 

“It is. Goodbye, my lord, and may the wind be always at your back,” murmured Antonio voice softer than it had been just moments before, full of gentle adoration. Sebastian lifted a hand to Antonio’s cheek, then leaned up, placing a gentle kiss on the other man’s lips. Antonio savored it for a moment, and then the two parted, Sebastian still gently touching Antonio’s face.

“I am sorry,” said Antonio quietly, trying to put all that he could not say aloud into those three words. “And I love you.”

“I know,” said Sebastian, a sad, bittersweet smile on his face. Antonio felt tears pricking his eyes. He stepped back from Sebastian, and stooped to grab his satchel. 

Antonio once more began to walk, unsure if he was unable or just unwilling to look back.

**Author's Note:**

> the so-called linguistic nerdery is me getting far too exited about the implications of the more formal 'you' as compared to 'thou', and what the implications of using the two different words to denote how you feel about a person. in this, sebastian repeatedly uses thou to denote his feelings for antonio as a close friend/lover. antonio, however, is intentionally distancing himself from sebastian wit the use of 'you', reserved for coldness, formality, and for those in rank above you. this swap of words makes for somewhat choppy dialogue, so i posted a chapter two with just you used and all reverence to such nerdery edited out!  
> yell at me, i'm @flash-and-substance on tumblr!


End file.
